The Monogamy Renaissance
Monogamy is sexy again, but the youth need love role models
Welcome back, love lovers. I’m Abigail, the host and subject of this relationship peep show. Irrelevant to this forthcoming post but relevant to our overall topic of love, today is my secondborn’s first birthday. Thank you, dearly, for being here.
Spice Up Your Love Life
My first personal audio playback was a Spice Girls cassette - Spiceworld. It’s encoded in my second deepest subconscious (the first being primal). I was raised on Independent Women propaganda. I tell you this to preface (and pre-pardon) the forthcoming trite feminist passage. Ahem: If you can’t see it, how can you be it?
The above aphorism isn’t just pop psychology. Studies confirm the impact of early influences on our gendered beliefs and behaviors. If you can’t see love, how can you be love? Relationship blueprints are nurtured.
The Relationship Struggle is Real
It’s no wonder that relationships fail at a rate of nearly 50%. Our parental examples, too, fell on their ass almost as often as a coin lands on tails. It’s equally no wonder that Dr. Justin Lehmiller at The Kinsey Institute reported that monogamy was the last choice of anyone over 27. It’s failed them, so why keep trying?
Yet Gen Z Wants to Put a Ring on It
But that same study, called The State of Dating co-authored by FEELD (yes, the dating app for alternative relationships), shared something surprising to us on the other side of our 20s:
81% of Gen Z fantasize about monogamy. And 44% say they do so often.
They are twice as likely to have frequent monogamy fantasies than older generations.
It’s never shocking when the young rebel against their parents' choices. But there’s something titillatingly wholesome, and slightly worrisome, about today’s youth yearning for partnership.
Monogamy: The New Kink
Monogamy is having an underground renaissance. @kellyoxford, on Instagram, posted Monogamy is My Kink, and the subreddit r/love is booming and regurgitated elsewhere. The State of Dating report was shared on Dazed (via Serena Smith), Hypebae (via Gigi Fong), and the dazzling
here on Substack.
I think it’s well deserved. Our society is already stressed enough without adding ten hours of poly-processing to the HR-ified internalization of capitalism. We need rest, perhaps within an embrace. As one commenter, Courtney, on Ochuko’s essay noted, “I think folks are tired and really don’t have the energy for much beyond existing, so having the capacity for even one person is a win 😭.”
I’m a born-again monogamist, so don’t get me started on its perks (intimate depth, emotional sandpaper, committed partnership offers a 1+1=3 equation at its best, etc. etc.). Besides, this isn’t a sales pitch. It’s a call to action.
Calling All Love Models
Back to our “see it, be it,” impetus.
Given that counterstereotypical role models influence our choices, I argue young lovers need love role models - let's call them Love Models.
Society needs couples to join me in an exhibition of monogamous love. I’m calling for lovers to step out from behind the privacy curtain standard to long-term relationships.
Plenty of daters post their woes and broadcast wins, but where are the decades-long partnerships disseminating their tips? I see some of it daily at MakeLoveNotPorn and on Substack (from
to to (tag your favorites in the comments?!)). But I want to see it everywhere! The youth needs to see your unique expression of love. Especially as The State of Dating states 50% of them report being single.Love in the Age of Abandonment
A final note of caution: if we do nothing and let unloving relationships remain the norm, we risk what
warned of continuing - an age of abandonment. She argues, “The answer cannot be to retreat from relationships. It has to be to take them more seriously.”Let’s get serious about love together. Share it. Read about it. Watch it. Love love!
Thank you for reading
Your attention is a gift. I don’t take it for granted. Thank you for reading my ramblings. If you have a reaction, I’d love to hear it in the comments section. Share and heart the post to spread the call to arms (arms like embrace).
Born-again monogamist! I've never heard this before, brilliant!
I appreciate your call to arms of what healthy relationships can look like. Having recently divorced after 18 years, it felt like I had no healthy models of what a supportive, compassionate divorce could look like. So we forged our own path.
I recently read Jamie Wheal's book Recapture the Rapture. In an interview, he had said something to the effect of: "Romantic relationship, family, career success, non-monogamy: pick three." It's not impossible to have a successful relationship outside of monogamy, it's just a question of where priorities lie.
PS: SUCH a Spice Girls fan! "Say You'll Be There" has since invaded my brain space after reading this! lol
I hadn’t noticed myself in here and I am so honored. I’m so excited about my marriage—15 years in and things are fully alive. I was just commenting yesterday how thrilling it is to be in an era when we have institutions / structures that can be grounding and stable, but also infused with the element of choice instead of scarcity/ social imposition. What a time!!