I was at a comedy show recently where a single female comic claimed that single people have the best sex. I turned to my married friend and said "no way." I think the comedian was trying to reassure herself as a single person...
Or land a great joke, lol?! There are def studies into orgasms correlating with comfort levels (which I think you could equate to 'relationships') but it would be curious to know something about 'bests'. Would we measure intimacy levels, satisfaction, orgasm quality? I have a feeling lesbians would be the winners, but maybe that's just another bias speaking 🤪
This is a refreshing take. As someone who is afraid of marriage because all my life I have been surrounded by unhappy married couples and women who are trapped in marriage for financial reasons. That a happy marriage just seems like a fantasy. It has definitely influence how I approach my own relationships and I'm scared. But I can see your point about married couples having more sex than single people, which seems like it correlates to availability, proximity, and structure that marriage usually entails allowing for sex to happen more often. But I guess it's the same to comparing how much people in relationships vs single people have sex (I have found it is harder to get frequent sex as a single person compared to when I am in a long term relationship). Here is where I also wonder how the marriage elements compares to long term dating.
Yes, I totally understand these fears! Society is a far better place when people have choice, and can look to examples, or role models, who have a lifestyle that speaks to them. I found for myself I didn’t have many of those happy married examples, and wondered if by making Happy Endings, I might be able to be that for someone. Nothing is ever perfect, but we sure care about trying, loving, and we do a damn decent job at it! But, yes, just about the sex rates - the data naturally doesn’t imply satisfaction, either. But with this piece I just wanted to poke a hole in the cultural tropes around the sexy single people and the unhappy sexless married people. It’s all as fantastical and harmful as suggesting marriage is a womans only option.. None of these one-note stories serve us.
Anyways, thanks for commenting and sharing your pov. It’s so fun to talk with people about this!
Very insightful piece again! Lots of food for thought. I'm wondering if you've considered writing about your own parents' relationship, and maybe how that's influenced your marriage? Not to get too much into it, but the blueprint of marriage I'm dealing with isn't exactly something I aspire to. Curious to hear about your experience! :)
Thanks so much for reading, Tash, and I love to hear this question / your point on blueprints. It’s funny, I’ve been chewing on an idea that’s related for awhile… in fact, I’d thought I’d do it for mothers day (Sunday) but kind of abandoned that thought in fear it was too morbid. See, my mom died when I was young, so I sometimes think I was void of a map of womanhood, motherhood, and relationships. Which I’ve often wondered must have set me up for more success in some ways than peers with troubled references. Though, I can’t really know other than that I like how I am so I have to be grateful for the lack that I had. Well, maybe you’ve given me reason to go ahead with it after all
This is such a powerful, intelligent, and refreshingly honest piece — thank you for writing it.
Your articulation of the “Happy Endings Paradox” lands with both clarity and warmth, and it does something essential: it reminds us that intimacy, joy, and eroticism don’t vanish with commitment — they evolve, deepen, and often flourish in ways culture rarely allows us to witness. The cultural silence (or outright denial) around married and parental sexuality isn’t just limiting, it’s damaging. It teaches shame where there could be play, silence where there could be connection.
You’re also tapping into something radical in its simplicity: that sustainable, loving, sexually active partnerships are not only possible — they’re already happening, all around us, behind closed doors, under baby monitors, beside laundry baskets. They just don’t get the billboard.
By naming this paradox, and giving it such sharp, thoughtful context, you’re offering people permission — to reimagine desire, to make room for sex in stability, and to rewrite the quiet, rich, and real narratives that rarely get told.
More of this, please. And bless every sexy parent (and future one) who reads this and feels a little more seen.
Our culture could also think the opposite because there’s a way both views are true.
You’re comparing married people and how they have sex once a week vs single people doing it once a month. But you’re missing coupled people (i.e. in a relationship but not married, and not single either). Those people have sex more than married people and once they get married and the frequency goes down it leads to disappointment.
I think it’s quite common for a couple to have more sex (with each other) before marriage, and due to the honeymoon stage cocktail of hormones, it’s normal for it to be more passionate and still novel since they haven’t known each other long. Over time (with which marriage usually follows) this wanes. Ergo, frequency decreases and that same couple will tell you how they have less sex now that they’re married than before (together and in previous relationships).
Looking at purely single people outside of relationships misses this large cohort and nuance which i believe contributes to what your title is pointing out.
Now its been a week since I checked the datasets I linked in the postscript but couples were indeed included! I was simplifying language here. But this data was included and quite comparable. There was one report that included common-law couples into marriage so it would be difficult to parse them out. But these are all average figures. So couples who shag a lot are obviously pulled down via the couples that don't shag. The newer couples, as you assume, may be pulling down the longer couples. Though, I have a suspicion this is a generalization scewed by predominant stories instead of a real data. Either way, it’s an interesting discussion and I'm glad you made this comment!
I hadn’t looked through the sources to be honest. Also going on personal experience and across everyone i know and just intuiting, it seems a given that couples would have more sex earlier in the relationship (so likely unmarried) when there’s novelty and a cocktail of hormones. Psychologists refer to this stage as one of being on drugs. Over time we produce less hormones even as some people try to bring in different forms of novelty. But i digress; it could just be my worldview.
Yea these perspectives make up my base view too, but I wondered, and my thesis here is, maybe we believe this because they’re the louder, more narratively interesting, clickable stories instead of inevitable fact. It’s real life to many, but it is most?
Anyways thanks again for reading and having this chat with me! I find it so interesting.
Averages, isn't it! Extremes get smooshed and the whole picture disfigured.
Working on MakeLoveNotPorn, we say that we team members are regularly surprised by our contributors. There are sexual proclivities and lifestyles even we who 'see it all' still don't know about.
But zooming out, the view of 'what's normal' right now, is far from demonstrative. I hoped sharing this would continue to prod at that truth.
Quite true. I have to remember at work that no one calls just to tell me the internet is working great. BTW, your Substack looks interesting, I subscribed.
Seriously!! We wouldn’t change our work behaviors for a minority user experience, so why are we choosing entire lifestyles because of it. The power of complaints! And thank you so much - I’m really glad to have you here!!
You are absolutely right. It is as if someone wants to destroy societies, based on conservative, loving and caring family life. It's about time you brought this topic up. Thanks from Germany.
I was at a comedy show recently where a single female comic claimed that single people have the best sex. I turned to my married friend and said "no way." I think the comedian was trying to reassure herself as a single person...
Or land a great joke, lol?! There are def studies into orgasms correlating with comfort levels (which I think you could equate to 'relationships') but it would be curious to know something about 'bests'. Would we measure intimacy levels, satisfaction, orgasm quality? I have a feeling lesbians would be the winners, but maybe that's just another bias speaking 🤪
Well … she wasn’t very funny, either 😅
You raise a good point about what “best” even means. Lesbians probably DO win.
This is a refreshing take. As someone who is afraid of marriage because all my life I have been surrounded by unhappy married couples and women who are trapped in marriage for financial reasons. That a happy marriage just seems like a fantasy. It has definitely influence how I approach my own relationships and I'm scared. But I can see your point about married couples having more sex than single people, which seems like it correlates to availability, proximity, and structure that marriage usually entails allowing for sex to happen more often. But I guess it's the same to comparing how much people in relationships vs single people have sex (I have found it is harder to get frequent sex as a single person compared to when I am in a long term relationship). Here is where I also wonder how the marriage elements compares to long term dating.
Yes, I totally understand these fears! Society is a far better place when people have choice, and can look to examples, or role models, who have a lifestyle that speaks to them. I found for myself I didn’t have many of those happy married examples, and wondered if by making Happy Endings, I might be able to be that for someone. Nothing is ever perfect, but we sure care about trying, loving, and we do a damn decent job at it! But, yes, just about the sex rates - the data naturally doesn’t imply satisfaction, either. But with this piece I just wanted to poke a hole in the cultural tropes around the sexy single people and the unhappy sexless married people. It’s all as fantastical and harmful as suggesting marriage is a womans only option.. None of these one-note stories serve us.
Anyways, thanks for commenting and sharing your pov. It’s so fun to talk with people about this!
Very insightful piece again! Lots of food for thought. I'm wondering if you've considered writing about your own parents' relationship, and maybe how that's influenced your marriage? Not to get too much into it, but the blueprint of marriage I'm dealing with isn't exactly something I aspire to. Curious to hear about your experience! :)
Thanks so much for reading, Tash, and I love to hear this question / your point on blueprints. It’s funny, I’ve been chewing on an idea that’s related for awhile… in fact, I’d thought I’d do it for mothers day (Sunday) but kind of abandoned that thought in fear it was too morbid. See, my mom died when I was young, so I sometimes think I was void of a map of womanhood, motherhood, and relationships. Which I’ve often wondered must have set me up for more success in some ways than peers with troubled references. Though, I can’t really know other than that I like how I am so I have to be grateful for the lack that I had. Well, maybe you’ve given me reason to go ahead with it after all
This is such a powerful, intelligent, and refreshingly honest piece — thank you for writing it.
Your articulation of the “Happy Endings Paradox” lands with both clarity and warmth, and it does something essential: it reminds us that intimacy, joy, and eroticism don’t vanish with commitment — they evolve, deepen, and often flourish in ways culture rarely allows us to witness. The cultural silence (or outright denial) around married and parental sexuality isn’t just limiting, it’s damaging. It teaches shame where there could be play, silence where there could be connection.
You’re also tapping into something radical in its simplicity: that sustainable, loving, sexually active partnerships are not only possible — they’re already happening, all around us, behind closed doors, under baby monitors, beside laundry baskets. They just don’t get the billboard.
By naming this paradox, and giving it such sharp, thoughtful context, you’re offering people permission — to reimagine desire, to make room for sex in stability, and to rewrite the quiet, rich, and real narratives that rarely get told.
More of this, please. And bless every sexy parent (and future one) who reads this and feels a little more seen.
🥰🥹🥰🥹🥰🥹 you're too good to be true with this analysis - its exactly how I was hoping it’d be received. Thank you, as always, LRT!
You’re so so welcome. I always love you’re work and wanted to share how I feel about it and how good it is. 💕💕💕
Our culture could also think the opposite because there’s a way both views are true.
You’re comparing married people and how they have sex once a week vs single people doing it once a month. But you’re missing coupled people (i.e. in a relationship but not married, and not single either). Those people have sex more than married people and once they get married and the frequency goes down it leads to disappointment.
I think it’s quite common for a couple to have more sex (with each other) before marriage, and due to the honeymoon stage cocktail of hormones, it’s normal for it to be more passionate and still novel since they haven’t known each other long. Over time (with which marriage usually follows) this wanes. Ergo, frequency decreases and that same couple will tell you how they have less sex now that they’re married than before (together and in previous relationships).
Looking at purely single people outside of relationships misses this large cohort and nuance which i believe contributes to what your title is pointing out.
Now its been a week since I checked the datasets I linked in the postscript but couples were indeed included! I was simplifying language here. But this data was included and quite comparable. There was one report that included common-law couples into marriage so it would be difficult to parse them out. But these are all average figures. So couples who shag a lot are obviously pulled down via the couples that don't shag. The newer couples, as you assume, may be pulling down the longer couples. Though, I have a suspicion this is a generalization scewed by predominant stories instead of a real data. Either way, it’s an interesting discussion and I'm glad you made this comment!
I hadn’t looked through the sources to be honest. Also going on personal experience and across everyone i know and just intuiting, it seems a given that couples would have more sex earlier in the relationship (so likely unmarried) when there’s novelty and a cocktail of hormones. Psychologists refer to this stage as one of being on drugs. Over time we produce less hormones even as some people try to bring in different forms of novelty. But i digress; it could just be my worldview.
Yea these perspectives make up my base view too, but I wondered, and my thesis here is, maybe we believe this because they’re the louder, more narratively interesting, clickable stories instead of inevitable fact. It’s real life to many, but it is most?
Anyways thanks again for reading and having this chat with me! I find it so interesting.
Then you have couples together an half century who, after years, managed to get the total number of occurrences into double digits.
Where sexuality is concerned, perspective and answers run all across the board and include everything from soup to nuts.
Averages, isn't it! Extremes get smooshed and the whole picture disfigured.
Working on MakeLoveNotPorn, we say that we team members are regularly surprised by our contributors. There are sexual proclivities and lifestyles even we who 'see it all' still don't know about.
But zooming out, the view of 'what's normal' right now, is far from demonstrative. I hoped sharing this would continue to prod at that truth.
Happy for y’all, sincerely. Cold comfort for those in sexless marriages which have no chance of becoming otherwise. Amhik.
Aw Tom, averages can sure suck to outliers. We’re here for the internet camaraderie ❤️
I would also say that people in sexless marriages complain far more than people having plenty of married sex talk it up.
Absolutely something I’ve noticed, as well. We too often believe the most discoverable stories are the most lived.
Quite true. I have to remember at work that no one calls just to tell me the internet is working great. BTW, your Substack looks interesting, I subscribed.
Seriously!! We wouldn’t change our work behaviors for a minority user experience, so why are we choosing entire lifestyles because of it. The power of complaints! And thank you so much - I’m really glad to have you here!!
You are absolutely right. It is as if someone wants to destroy societies, based on conservative, loving and caring family life. It's about time you brought this topic up. Thanks from Germany.