Whose Fantasy is Yours Anyway?

Is porn screwing your erotic imagination and intimacy?

This week’s Happy Endings is another frank conversation between my husband and I. After the positive response to our chat on navigating the madonna-whore complex, we discuss exploring fantasies and maintaining erotic imagination.

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THE IMAGINATION TRAP

Abby: When was the last time you watched porn, my love?

Joe: Do our videos count?

Abby: Haha no, and neither does MakeLoveNotPorn (a real world sex video platform where I work). I’m asking about strangers performing. Stock porn, if you will.

Joe: Years ago. I think porn is bad for fantasizing. Convenience is atrocious for the imagination.

Porn funnels people in. It closes down and specializes interests rather than opening up. It’s not exploration-based.

Abby: This is not a plug, but I think MakeLoveNotPorn’s model flips that discovery method. But you weren’t aware of them when you decided to avoid porn. What made you quit?

Joe: In my opinion, it’s not porn that’s the problem, it's self-control.

Buying a saucy magazine is kind of cool in a way because it’s not something that can be so easily queued up, and the choice is limited. Or, like, as a kid, you’d find porn in a bush in the park. Or an erotic porno movie like Caligula… That’s all good. There’s a narrative either in the thing or that you have because you found the porn stashed in a bush. Whereas the internet + porn is very unhealthy, IMO.

The common misconception is porn makes people kinkier. But it's actually homogenizing. It's like a drug dealer. It becomes the only thing that can satisfy you.

PORN AS INTIMACY AVOIDANCE

Abby: I definitely relate. I was on a lesbian scissor fix once. I had to visualize women grinding while being eaten out to orgasm. Needless to say, it took me out of the moment.

Joe: Yeah. I like my own ideas better.

Porn is the ultimate way to avoid yourself.

I think it’s worse than just detrimental to fantasizing; it's avoiding having to do anything about those fantasies. It’s replacing ‘imagining something then doing it’ with just conveniently having an orgasm.

It’s especially a problem in a relationship. I think it’s the intimacy and risks that people want to avoid. It’s safer to type into an incognito browser than to have a conversation with your partner.

Abby: It’s quicker, too. Do you think people are choosing convenience over pleasure?

Joe: I think it goes way beyond pleasure. It’s about being fully yourself.

Abby: Convenience versus truth?

Joe: It’s easier and safer to hide your desires away than to lay it out.

Abby: This reminds me of how you recently said a hand job on your own versus one from me is a trade-off between efficiency and ???

Joe: Efficiency and experience.

Abby: Yes, it takes longer, the route isn’t a straight line, we (me) walk away more sore, but the gratification is greater.

I always found it odd that someone (me) who chose to work with sex video sites would find a non-sex video viewer as a mate. You’re a rare type. I think I can read your raw, explorative energy and that your sexual presence was exciting to me.

Your erotic expression is very real and very you. Do you credit this to not watching tube porn?

DISCIPLINE IMPROVES DESIRE

Joe: So I’m not sure if I’d credit it entirely to not watching. But I think, in general, it’s downstream of being imaginative.

The decision to not watch porn was just generally part of going to the gym. I found if I didn’t masturbate to porn, I was more focused and better in the gym. And that seemed like my body was clearly giving me feedback that not watching porn is probably good.

Abby: Wait, what! So, you feel sexual discipline and physical performance are connected?

Joe: It’s just something I noticed - days if I masturbated then went to the gym, I was just less in the frame to focus. The thing that is great about the gym is that it’s the most honest feedback. It doesn’t blow smoke up your arse to make you feel good or try to put you down to make you feel bad. You put in effort and have good discipline, and you get stronger.

And maybe that’s kind of related to the whole avoiding action thing. And the whole safety thing.

Abby: Ooooo. It can be scary enough to confront your own truth, let alone share it honestly with someone else. Avoiding exercise is comfortable, easy, quick, and safe, just as it is to be complacent with your sexuality. Very astute, my love.

Rene Magritte - The Lovers II, 1928

FANTASIES MADE REAL, MAKE INTIMACY REAL

Joe: Yes, it involves confession. People are afraid to bring up their true desires. They don't want to be denied and develop trust issues.

It’s like porn lets you avoid finding out if the sex part of your relationship is good or not. It lets you stay in a zone of ‘theoretical.’ In theory, you could say your sexual relationship is good, but how can you know if you never admit what you really want is to… whatever your fantasy is.

Acting out the fantasies, to me at least, is taking the relationship from theoretical to real. Even though many of those fantasies are, in fact, roles and characters.

Abby: The characters are sides of our complex selves.

I love the idea of theoretical relationships. Surface level cohabitation versus intimacy and connection. So, the principle of self-confrontation in the gym applies to confronting our sexual desires at home - to discover ourselves and our potential. That spirit of confrontation also applies to relationships, too.

Your recommendation is first to use your horniness to fantasize about your own desires instead of offloading them on the internet. Then, do the work to make the fantasies real by talking with your partner and being vulnerable. And the rewards are a better experience and better connection?

Joe: The rewards are:

1. You get what you really want

2. You make the sexual relationship not just theoretical but physically real

3. It feels good (or bad if that's your thing)!

EXPLORE TOGETHER TO EVOLVE TOGETHER

Abby: What more can you want?

How has the “make it real” step gone for you, with me?

I feel there was a period of our relationship where I initiated a lot of our sex because your advances were too subtle and English for me. Now, you’re certainly the events director.

Joe: Really good. It’s quite cute, in a way. I think it definitely enhances and makes the relationship better.

We both like to play games. Board games, card games, role games, backgammon, wordplay. Like that’s a mutual trait outside of sex. And I think it’s a similar itch.

The big thing that helps is we’re both willing to try and accommodate things. The ideas and scenes aren’t fixated or specific - they are quite cerebral and sensorial. Which probably helps.

Abby: I agree. It’s insanely cute and good and makes everything better. It’s your truth. It’s the connection. It’s our best orgasms. It’s raw us-ness.

It took a few years, though, didn’t it? For you to take on the role of Fantasizer-in-Chief. Which feels weird to say because we’ve had banging sex for those years, too, but come to think of it, most of the ‘new’ things (air gondola, cam, etc) were led by me, and I’m not sure they’re my true fantasies anyways.

What was your switch that flipped and made you jump in and say, 'Yeah, I want to make you my pet?' Was it that moment when I told you I was yours to use? I remember you afterward saying that was a big deal moment.

Joe: Definitely. I think that took away the fear.

Yeah, and maybe this is weird because I think really it comes down to you actually are quite hard to read. So it was more that clicking with me, which made it safe.

Like the saying goes, ‘A woman will break rules for the guy she likes, and make rules for guys she doesn’t.’ So, you saying ‘free to use’ was liberating because it was basically saying ‘I’m not making rules for you.’

Abby: 🥹💋

Yeah, our trajectory has been impacted by my own ~journey~ of sexual confrontation, too, naturally.

Joe: This reminds me of something I’ve been thinking about for another fantasy I have in mind. Which is another thing I like… finding things that arouse you and turn you on. That’s the number one best thing of all.

Abby: Aww babe 🥹 We’re just here to unveil our deepest archetypes. And empty your balls.

Speaking of, even you would say that ball emptying is a must-do. How do you work that in with your porn-free, masturbation-lite lifestyle?

Joe: I come at it (no pun intended) more like the cum is something to not be wasted.

Abby: Very zen.

Joe: Even a self-masturbation can become something cool if I come on your face or butt.

Abby: Haha, cum on the butt is never a waste.

Joe: I think that’s also my thing to learn. You prefer quick, naughty things. So, I have to mix those into these fantasies. Whereas I’m more of a spiraling descent into the abyss type - where it gradually gets more sordid - you like more quick and naughty.

If I said hold out your hand and I came on your hand in two mins. I think you’d find that hot.

Abby: Omg, I would love that. It’s very arousing to me that you’d be so turned on and desperate to let that happen.

Joe: I would want you in a milkmaid outfit, though. Or like something milk-related. Get you a glass of cold milk to drink. Then hold out a hand, and I try to cum before you finish. Something like that.

Abby: 🥵

Joe: Now you’re seeing the process happen in real-time. When you stop watching porn, your ideas are weirder than ever. And coming from bizarre places.

Abby: Because you’re more bizarre than any script could ever be ❤️

CONNECTION THROUGH VULNERABILITY

Joe: Speaking of… my fear, my neurosis, is that there’s stuff that turns you on that you wouldn't share. Since someone else’s mind is imperceptible… But and that's why the taboo sex was so hot.

Your mind is imperceptible, but I can tell you're giddy, floaty, and aroused and that you know that it’s wrong. The way you're acting is giving me pure truth about your soul. That’s the beauty of exploring together.

It would turn me on if there were things that are gross that you desired. The intimacy and act of sharing make pretty much anything attractive. As long as it’s like, ‘I want to do this weird thing with you.’ The more embarrassing, the better, really.

Reading this, people will think we do weird stuff now when we really don’t.

Abby: We’re not a vanilla couple, but we’re not sex nerds. I just like to give you a good time. Regularly.

Joe: Yeah, and also, I think you like performing a character. You like the freedom of it, of being in a role.

Abby: You’ve taken that out of me 🥹

It genuinely makes me feel good when you’re satisfied. This reminds me of NonFiction Research’s Desire Codes… I’d be like a… Pleaser sun, Hold Me Closer rising, Experimentalist moon with major interplay from the planets Brat and Flirty Fighter. It took exploration to pull these truths out of me instead of reenacting what I believed I was supposed to do/want/be.

Joe: Ooo, that checks out. Even you just saying that gives me more insight and understanding of what you like and what turns you on.

One thing I want to do more of is to make more of a role for me.

Abby: I like that ❤️ Thanks for taking your and our growth seriously. I treasure that about you and for us.

Your mind is imperceptible, but the way you're acting is giving me pure truth about your soul.

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Post-Interview Note that felt cosmic and worthy of inclusion: At the MakeLoveNotPorn team meeting last week, our Curator shared there was a new MakeLoveNotPornstar that they were inspired by. I went to their profile and read their bio. It said, “45 years of being lovers, friends, parents and partners in marriage. Remember watching passion is great but creating your own is amazing.” Isn’t that just the exact spirit of this chat?